We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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