The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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