it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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