you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
