I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
