sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
