The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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