I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
