all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
