I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
