OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
