Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
