I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
