You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
