WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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