Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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