My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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