How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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