My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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