It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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