You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
