Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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