i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
