Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I just googled if crying burns calories
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
