ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
