At least make sure they are 18
Why
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
