i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
