I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
