I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Bring me that man meat
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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