omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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