okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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