look no pants
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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