he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
