I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
pray to the hookup gods
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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