I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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