She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
