Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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