I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
