I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
