Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
