Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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