I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
