it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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