I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize