i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
