It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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