I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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