One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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