Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he thought i was a dude.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
