my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize