i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
