I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
