Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
