thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
