omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
