listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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