Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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