i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
