Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
