good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
