so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
she pinky promised me she was 18
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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