I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
