I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My liver just had a heart attack.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
